Into the Twilight

My dream

2009-09-30T19:00:24Z

I got on the train with my brother in order to go to basic training. During basic training i had to find this town, to save this woman from certian death. I had done that. The scene i remember more clearly is that the sargent was checking our plates and bags. When he checked my plate all he seen was a couple plastic wrappers a pringles lid with some mayo and a whole jar of mayo, He also found this diary, the diary he flipped through said stuff on seprate pages, "kenny ate some steak today". the sargent looked at me and i responded. i will explain it to you not in front of anyone. i took the notebook and the last page says, "kenny will die." But under that entry is in my handwriting "Prove it". I got back on the train to see my brother and his girl and some randome girl and that is where it ended.

Confessions of a Child growing up

2009-04-16T06:39:39Z

You know part of growing up and never saying you are grown up. I don't know what makes me grow up i do know what makes me feel a little better about myself. I need to face the things i have done and said and these are my confessions. Some confessions will come in their own time becuase these are to specific people and i feel airing it on here would probably be a bad thing. I think i am gonna start from the day i started college.

First i want to say i exaggerate alot. Alot of people know this about me. Another flaw of mine is that sometimes when i think of something and it happening to me, this becomes real to me and i actually think it happened, so it is not hard to make other people believe this.

My coven. I know i have told this story multiple times and i don't really dont know what happened. I do know this. Yes i was in a coven, Yes after i left the coven people in it did start to die for reasons i am sure could be explained. Did a demon do it? I don't know. That was one of my delusions.

I have only had one sucercidal thought in my life thus far and it happened in Decemeber. Alot of it was trying to get attention, Negitive attention mind you, and i understand that.

Alot of things fall apart on me but i handle it well. When bills are piled up and can't pay them, I do not break down. Most of the time i don't worry, and alot of the times no one knows about this untill i know i need help. I was always 2 months behind when living with patrick and jessica. I always paid everything off so no one would find out. There was a couple lies when something happened that i could not pay but in the end i fixed it. I am sorry guys for lieing to you.

Depression is not something i deal with alot. Personally most of the time i just dont like people. Depression is just an excuse for me and i feel that it needs to stop. Do i get depressed, Hell yes. I mean everyone does, after a big loss of something or someone.

I lied alot when i was in college the first few years and yes i know most of you knew it. I was trying to fit in.

My eyes, AM i going blind. Probably not. I don't think there was a chance of it. Do i have the optical Migranes, Yes, IT happeneds only when dealing with great stress. FRankly i handle stress well and when you see i can't handle the stress, i could only imagine the otherside of the road. The optical migranies happened probably at a rate of once per year. Sure there was a couple times i have lied about it. Frankly i just didnt want to deal with people.

To certian people that i have driven nutts. You know who you are. While i was in college i was starving for acceptance, So when i finnally found some i lached on to you almost like a leech for that i am sorry. Through harshness and helpfulness of friends who know who they are i have grown to accept myself before someone else can accept me. Thank you guys.

For the first two years of my college career i kinda hung out with people that really didnt want me around, why becuase i was annoying, i stunk, aand i lied, and tried to make myself what i thought they would accept. here is what i do know, Yes i stunk, frankly at that point i had 2 pairs of pants, 3 pairs of shorts and proabbly 6 shirts. I took a shower maybe once a week at that point. and the annoying part of me was becuase i tried to hard to fit in and tried to be accepted.

During amtgard before this year i only did it becuase i knew it annoyed Kristin so much that i was in something else she liked to do. I think the sad part my thoughts of it was that since she would not let my play D&D and did all she did to me that i was gonna get her back for it. Personally now looking back i was such a pathetic individual.

Am i munipulative, yes, I know multiple people who can attest to that. for the longest time i have played dumb in so many things. Alot of the conversations i have said i don't know or things that is going on i pretend to know nothing about. I pay attention more then people knows, sometimes i just dont want to get involved. then again i just love listening to people talk more then listening to myself. I can get you to feel bad for me, i can put on a pretty good show to that. I am sorry to you all for that, It is gonna be a hard habit to break. This goes hand and hand with the next one

I blow things way out of the water. Tomyself i can make even the simplest phrase said to me into something seem so big that you could even hate that person. I can't give any examples but again i am sorry.

I am sorry also for playing dumb, i am really a bright person, if we can find a subject that we both like i could talk to you for hours and hold a rather interesting conversation, Oh and DEbates i love debats. i just this year started to like politics.

There are probably a huge amount of health problems over the years that i have lied about for sympathy or attention and i am sorry about that. Frankly i know some of them are real. not every health problem has been a lie, use your best judgement.

My confession about myself is, Do not label me. I am who i am, Over the years i have had many people say oh honey your gay or the like. I am who i am and no label can change that.

While this may biuld walls more then break them down these are my confessions to you. I am taking responsibility for all of these things now. I need to fix my live and be a man for all that is worth. I am growing up and i thank everyone who has contributed

I vow.....

2009-03-26T08:03:17Z

I have gotten even fatter. I don't care what anyone says. I know it my body knows it my self when I walk down the street and waddle knows it. When I walk into the bathroom from my room and become winded. I think it is time. I could blame it one the medication I am taken, it has been know to cause weight gain. I could blame it on the food. But I blame it on be becoming lazy. I think that is the first step to go about this. So these are my vows.

I vow to have a shaved head till I lose 150 pounds

---The shave head will be a constant reminder of the vows. If I should violate them I will remember to reread them

I vow to never eat after 7pm or 2am when I work.

---food after these times would be harmful. I will have ample time to digest before I go to bed.

I vow to do one hour of exercise a day

---DDR will be the prime source of this. I have no one to walk with. I will be able to get plenty of exercise on Sunday.

I vow to drink moderately

---This really has never been a problem for me. But it is still one of my vows

I vow to drink more water then any other beverage in a day

---I can't give up something because every time I do I use something else in place. The first time I gave up soda I drank allot of fruit juice and the second time I have gone through 5 boxes of caprice sun in 2 days. Giving up something is not the answer. I vow to drink 8 glasses of water a day more if I drink soda or any other drink

I vow to take my medication everyday twice a day. 8am and 8pm

---I keep forgetting to take my meds. I vow to take my meds 12 hours a part. Save if I fall asleep before this time or sleep through this time.

I vow to never go out unless I have the money to pay for myself

---I know my friends are helping me have fun but I need to face facts. If I don’t have the money I really should not be going out.

I vow when I lose my weight to go into the Military

---The more I hear about it the more I want it. I have always had this as a goal and will achieve this

I vow to never let someone else tell me who I am.

---I am not gay, I am not str8 I am not bisexual. I AM ME; don’t label me because you need to in order to understand who I am. I know who I am and will be no one different

I vow to never let others influence my decisions

---To long have I allowed others to say something and end up letting them influence me because I am afraid I might hurt them. I am sorry but I don't want to listen anymore

I vow to keep a clean house.

---Cleaning my house is essential to cleaning me

I vow to not put things off that concerns my medical needs.

---always tomorrow, maybe in an hour, these are things I say. I need to start doing things

I vow to brush my teeth everyday

---I know this is weird. I have always just forgotten to brush my teeth. I remember once a month and try to start a routine to brush everyday then forget again. My teeth are in good shape I should keep them that way

I vow to take a shower every other day

---Maybe even everyday since I will be exercising but I vow to do it at least every other day

I vow to ask for help when needed.

---I am self sufficient I need not be hard headed

I vow to walk to places if it is walk able

---no more being lazy. I can walk to work, I can walk to Marshall.

I vow to look at everyone with a twisted point of view.

---everyone has their viewpoints, twisted is just easier to me

I vow to learn a second language completely.

---I know basics of multiple languages because others influenced my decisions not to stick with them. Veronica said I should take protégées so I did. Japanese is the language of anime so I took that. I know a little Spanish from 4th grade. I need to pick a language and stick with it.

I vow to get my Bachelors Degree.

---It may not be in Hospitality but I will have one in something.

I vow to love myself unconditionally

---This is going to take time but I will do it.

I vow to love others unconditionally.

---I always start out a relationship loving the person till they give me a reason not to. But I vow to continue loving them because it is not my fault they did this to me.

Can people really change?

2009-01-19T20:09:07Z

I have! Take the test and see if you were there with me j/k

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I have! Take the test and see if you were there with me j/k

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Interesting yet not!

2008-12-23T11:26:37Z

So over the past few weeks got me thinking. Sometimes people inspire me to do things that i want to do that i didnt have the courage to do in the first place. These things when i get inspired makes me think i am copying people. Which turns me away from doing them but I figure at this point of my life that i am always going to be copying someone somewhere at some time so here is a interesting yet not interesting list of things.

My name is and should have been Alex since i started school but i told one person i was kenny and to avoid Confusion didnt want to change it. So i ask you all and some poeple are already making the change call me alexander or some version of that EXCEPT AL only Amanda can call me that and only that one amanda can. If my mom can make the change i think each one of you can. If you don't feel like it well lol whatever.

So someone is helping me learn to do drag. I want to do it atleast once full on and if you want to come see me let me know i will let you know closer to the time.

I also had friends who are becoming transexuals. That has always been on my mind. As much as it would be easier being a girl then being a man. I am not talking about it in gender wise. I am talking about my mannerisms and the like. I dont think i will ever be ready to take that step.

These are my regression thoughts. Those i worry about becuase everyone else is doing it and when i wanted to do it makes me feel bad and like a copy cat. the reason i am writing about this is becuase i had a close call with attempting to hurt myself that my counsler told me to write things down as they come to me. peace people.

Figured it out

2008-10-15T07:38:40Z

Its a good thing.

My dreams

2008-10-01T12:43:12Z

For the last couple weeks my dreams have been causing me to wake up feeling lonely and angry. Depressing huh? IT would not b as bad if I could remember any of them. The way I deal with dreams is to write them in a dream journal I have and analyze them. Last night I had a dream I can remember and something is telling me to write a blog about it. Maybe it is my way of asking for help I don’t know. The way I am going to do this is write it and analyze it so hopefully you guys can give me your own opinions.

The dream is pretty short but it is about a relationship between me and a friend. This friend I know is not gay, but we had sort of a semi relationship. WE spent a lot of time together and it was an amazing feeling. We hugged and kissed like a normal couple. Nothing sexual happened between us. Everything was fine and dandy. Then I was walking to his house when a friend of ours stopped me and told me they had finally got his glasses and now it is over. I didn’t quite know what that meant but then I rushed to his house to see him. He was furious as though I had been lying to him the whole time that we were in a relationship. I am not sure what I would have been lying about whether it was because I was not a girl or something else. He did not talk to me for the better part of a month and then we started talking to me about being friend and even closer being as brothers.

First of all I am not going to say who it is. This would probably create some tension between us and as we all know it is never the person who u dream about but who the represent.

Represent. I think he represented what I wanted to be in life. I think it is my ultimate goal that I am trying to achieve. Becoming Hot and skinny

Now the glasses part is something I have thought about for the better part of waking up till I got to work. The person I dreamt about did not even wear glasses. So I wondered if the glasses represented my thoughts on myself. I still have self esteem issues. This is something I have been dealing with. So the friend I ran into was my effort to say I am not good enough for this person.

Now my idea in the dream bout him being angry that I am not a girl could be he was angry I was not a girl or him angry because I am not pretty enough. I think this could represent that I am Homosexual. I don’t think this is the case because I believe I am bisexual and this is because I want relationships with women.

This last part kind of stumps me I thought about it for a while. Being friends or even closer brothers. This could be that I have always said that you need to build a solid friendship before you can get into a relationship. Sometimes this does not work, when you do build a friendship you kind of get the whole I cant see you as anything else speel. When I tried asking someone out before there was any friendship there it just never worked out.

Just turned an assignment in just wanted your guys opinion

2008-08-30T12:11:29Z

At first I was not sure how to go about this assignment. I was not sure which theory I was going to use. I read through them all and one just popped out on me. Erickson's thoughts on how in order to have a healthy personality one must go through the psychosocial stages. How from birth to age one you must experience mistrust in order to identify with who you can trust or with middle adulthood one needs to feel a sense of leaving something for the next generation to pick up on whether that is having kids or mentoring younger colleagues.
   How this applies to me is rather simple and difficult at the same time. The book states that the key idea is that social norms thrust us onto a new crisis before we are ready for it. The approximate age range seems about right for me until we get into the Identity verses Role confusion. When I was younger my father left, which I know happens a lot in families. I was middle child so I got lost in the fold. I did not learn skills from my father like most Teenage boys. I didn’t know how to shave myself until I was 17. I was confused on whether I was part of the family or was a maid to my brother. I am not telling you this because I want you to feel sorry; this is just to make my point valid. I did not discover my identity until actually this year.
According to his theory I was trusted into adulthood without figuring out who I was or what social norms I had to use. I was not much of a social person. I never attended dances, school functions and I was never asked out on dates. But even after I was set to grow up I struggled with figuring out who I was when I left for college. I was lost in my Role confusion. Who am I? What am I doing here? Those questions were on my mind a lot over the past 10 years.
   Lets move on to the next stage, Intimacy verses Isolation. Intimacy is basically the ability to develop a relationship without becoming lost yourself. As Erickson’s theory stated Social norms push us from stage to stage whether we are ready or not. While I was dealing with the last stage I was still dealing with this one. Isolation was common for me. The ability to open myself up to people was rather difficult. It kind of goes hand and hand with the first stage, Trust verses Mistrust. If I didn’t know who I was how was I to expect anyone else to know? How was I expected to start a relationship with someone without having one with myself?
    This stage while I read about it really got me thinking. What was I supposed to do? When I started trying to go to different club meetings and poking around different classes trying to figure out what my main interest are I started to realize not who I was but who I was to become. When I figured this out I was able to get myself out of the isolation. I am now able to develop relationships with people.
   The problem I see with the whole thing is yes I believe Erickson was on to something. I believe that these stages are something and they do develop people’s personality. Unless you have that supporting factor from everyone you are going to be behind in not only the stages but most aspects of your life. Pushing people before they are ready is what causes most of the troubled people today. I hope I did not offend anyone with my babbling. I felt it was necessary for me as well as for this assignment

To all my friends

2008-07-31T19:03:53Z

Did you ever feel

2008-07-24T00:00:28Z

Did you ever feel like you are just there?
I mean really feel it.
You see your so called friends evolving around you
you just fill a purpose
that is all your good for.
I don't talk to you unless this is happening.
I know this is probably depression
Happening over again.
but if this is felt more then once during a depression
Does that mean there may be truth to it.

song

2008-07-22T20:52:48Z

I can think of two people this reminds me of. Hint they are both girls and one i really hate

When you're here

Lyrics:
It's hard for me to keep my dinner down
When you're here
The clothes you choose to wear
That are too tight for your huge behind
Make me wish I were blind

Can't stand you

I've never been this nauseous before
I keep a baggie in case
I happen to see your face
And the stench you left is stuck in my flo-oo-wore
In case you didn't know
Perfume won't cover B.O.
When you walk away
The whole house begins to shake
Can you see how much you disgust me now-ow-how-oo wow-ow

When you're here
I fantasize I'm in another place
When you're here
Like hurtling towards the sun in outer space
When you're here the thought of spending life
Forever with you as my bride
Bring thoughts of suicide

Can't Stand You

Not sure I can recover
Seeing you uncovered
Made me disturbed, yeah-ah-ah-ah
I would rather hook up with an angry shark
Walk through Compton with a white hood in the dark
Before I'd marry you I'd go hunting with Dick Cheney, yeah

When you're here
Faces I would rather date appear
When you're here
Like Janet Reno, Rosie, or Britney Spears
When you're here
The thought of seeing you
Come downstairs in you lingerie
Make me want to turn gay

Can't stand you

I guess i work Miracles

2008-07-08T04:37:45Z

I am posting this to forever remind myself about this. Apparently in the course of a month. And since Tuesday - Sunday i sleep alday and work all night this Obviously had to happen on Mondays. I have caused so many problems between the roommates that had never happend. Apparently the warnings i received about adam before i even moved in we my fault. and becuase i choose to act on them and the others followed it is my fault these happened.

I am so astoundered that i have such an affect on the world that i have caused this ripple effect to happen. I would like to highlight this passage of the IM.

Heinz vw (11:51:20 PM): I've been pissed 'cause I've never had the problems I've had with you - so just think ahead in the future, k? When it was just me, Bill, and Sean, there simply were no problems. SInce we've been with you, however, there's been an explosion of things i'm not used to.

Heinz vw (11:51:26 PM): So take that as why I've been hostile.

I know i am blowing this up on here but this is how i handle things. But in one day out of the week according to this i can cause so much damage. I am sorry but that is just too much for me to believe. If these problems never existed before why did i hear about them before i moved in. If the never happened. Why am i already prepared for them. But the biggest thing is. Why were you not prepared when i told you before i moved in that i was not going to take anyone's shit. Why were you not prepared that with me comes my experience. True i talked to them about you but everytime i have talked to you about it after words. I believe in asking for advice so i can keep a cool head when i talk to you.

So just remember this one thing. Just becuase your going away does not mean that these problems that are happening becuase of me will go away. Believe me if i am so bad. In boot camp and real life this is someone much more worse then me. First and for most it is yourself. Then comes everyone else. True if i make people feel uncomfertable usually my friends will let me know right then.

Remember i laid my cards on the table the second you asked me to move in. I wish you would have done the same istead of me being told by everyone else

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heinz vw (11:31:47 PM): Lindsay says after you used the bathroom you made a mess or something but doesn't have the heart to tell you to clean it up.

Heinz vw (11:32:00 PM): So, you should go clean it, whatever it is.

KAIson02 (11:32:45 PM): ill check but i dont think it was me. lol i was not the only one here today but let me check

Heinz vw (11:33:31 PM): None of us make messes like you've already been known to do - well, known to me, 'cause it's not like I've told everyone the bathroom smelled bad for those few days 'cause of you. But either way, you should go clean it.

KAIson02 (11:35:11 PM): well i checked it

KAIson02 (11:35:23 PM): and there is no mess . i picked up the tolit and checked

Heinz vw (11:35:39 PM): Also, yes, I have told Lin about the Myspace buying thing - thus far when people own her they make it like she's saying something silly, something she'd never say. Don't buy her perioud, 'cause for one she's my wife, and second you're not known to be subtle in your humor. Lin just didn't want to talk to you about it when you asked.

Heinz vw (11:35:46 PM): Lin says there's a mess.

Heinz vw (11:35:52 PM): Are you sure there isn't one?

KAIson02 (11:37:13 PM): Well i checked i didnt see one. if linds whats to show me i will be glad to clean it up. the myspace thing i was only responding to you lol i just buy people becuase 1 i want their worth to go up and two i want more money.

KAIson02 (11:37:42 PM): the only ones i know people fight for is bill you and linds

Heinz vw (11:39:24 PM): Just don't buy her anymore, k? Even if it's something silly like being online, she and i don't like the concept of anyone owning her. Also, since we're on that subject, stop making jokes about her period - nothing about her being yours, your girlfriend, your sexy woman, your baby's mama, nothing. Apparently we were all playing D&D last time you did it and she doesn't like it. YOu should know better than to tell a married woman something like that anyway. Also, I don't want to hear about you having symp

Heinz vw (11:39:39 PM): athy pains for her because you never tell a married man you're having pains for his wife.

Heinz vw (11:40:39 PM): Lin says the mess is easy to see, by the way. She might be talking about the rust between the bowl part and the lid part. Go upstairs and have her show you, k?

KAIson02 (11:41:33 PM): god your jelous lol i can keep my mouth shut. god i just wish people would let me know these things.

Heinz vw (11:42:16 PM): I'm letting you know now - and I'm not jealous - ask Lin. There's a difference between being jealous and stopping people from doing things when your wife tells you it's bothering her.

Heinz vw (11:43:27 PM): She says there's a smell and a mess. Go upstairs and have her show you - and at the least, take one of our candles and light it on the bowl, k?

Heinz vw (11:43:38 PM): I don't want her puking all over the place from either sense.

KAIson02 (11:49:56 PM): Well i already talked to lins. She just said it smells bad. I apologised about the comments. and I sprayed the room with the lysal. I am gonna buy a scent thing for the bathroom. I dont do this to make anyone mad i just need to know what is too far. what is not.

KAIson02 (11:50:18 PM): If your upset about it i am sorry.

Heinz vw (11:51:26 PM): So take that as why I've been hostile.

KAIson02 (11:53:45 PM): It is funny becuase i am never here or sleeping all the time lol. It is kinda funny. it really is that on my off days i do this lol. Again i just think it is kinda humourous but i will try to be carefull like i said tell me in private but let me know soon as something happens that you dont like. that way i know and can think about it then bury it. but when it all comes at once that is when my feelings get hurt lol. so just letting you know

Heinz vw (11:55:36 PM): Also remember that when you have a problem with me, I don't make it other people's business aside from Lin's - most of the time, she's involved anyway. But say if I, oh I don't know, rip a cab door in half, don't talk to Bill and Sean about it before asking me why. I mean, they're not going to do anything for you or me when it's just our problem together, you know?

KAIson02 (11:56:55 PM): Ok. I guess we are just laying our hands on the table and hope to start anew

KAIson02 (11:57:16 PM): Did you sign your contract today? How did it feel to lose your freedom?

Heinz vw (11:59:26 PM): No, I didn't. They were closed. Second, remember that in "losing my freedom" I gain access to totally free medical... for life. I can walk onto any us military base anywhere in the world by just showing my ID... I no longer have to pay taxes... my family gets totally for medical for as long as I'm in the service... they pay for 100 percent of my tuition and 10,000 bucks of my previous students loans. Oh, and I can get out of my contract easier than a nurse who has signed on to work at a hospital.

Heinz vw (11:59:43 PM): It's not signing your life away like people think - horrible stereotype that annoys me.

KAIson02 (12:00:44 AM): believe me i know. i have been reading into it when you first mentioned it to me. i am losing my weight becuase i want to go in. I was using the stereotype as a joke.

KAIson02 (12:01:15 AM): I know you don't have to pay taxes when you serve. but i thought once your out you do. or this could be something new

Heinz vw (12:01:23 AM): If you have all the medical problems you've claimed to have since you've moved in, they'd laugh at you.

KAIson02 (12:01:34 AM): the tution this is really cool.

KAIson02 (12:01:55 AM): I know they would i am just telling myself this for a goal.

Heinz vw (12:02:47 AM): Yeah, they wouldn't take you for numerous reasons... and you have lots of them, lol.

KAIson02 (12:03:02 AM): If i keep telling myself that i am gonna go in the army and start to believe it. Then i will work to the goal of losing weight for it. and when i get shot down at least i lost weight

KAIson02 (12:03:34 AM): the main reason they would not let me in is my eyes believe me i know

KAIson02 (12:03:57 AM): Even if they had to instute a draft i could not go

Heinz vw (12:05:29 AM): It actually has nothing to do with your weight or medical history - I made the mistake of answering a question honestly - they asked, "Do you know what a d12 is?" I said yes. They asked, "How do you know what a d12 is?" I said I play D&D. Then they said I had to lose 50 pounds and 3 inches off my waist in order to make up for being a nerd.

My Silver Star

2008-06-23T16:52:50Z

I really dont know what to say. I really dont want her reading this but i just hope i dont scare her away.

I met this girl in first grade. She was the girl who had dark hair kinda geeky and she had glasses She had a funny last name so my brothers teased me about her alot. When i moved to iberea i was only there for about a year and maybe 1/4 . I met this girl She is the only one i remember back in ibera clearly. I don;t know what we were back then. But i moved. Obviously since i was a young kid it was hard for me to keep track of all the friends i have left behind.

I remebered her. She had a special place in my mind and whenever she came up in conversation her picture shined in my head.

About a year ago. I don;t remeber how long exaclty but if you ask me i wish it would have been sooner. She came back in my life through a roll of the dice. She had a kid which i love even though i have never met him. (the whole dream thing) We talked for hours of end i wish i could have talked to her more. She is having problems i am here to listen.

Lately since i had woke up and am now in the real world i have not had time to talk to her but i thought about her alot. I probably think about her every day. Her and john and how far she is away. When i do get to talk to her it seems like i am not interested becuase i end up falling alseep and my response time is like 15 or 20 mins in between.

Dont get me wrong this girl is in a whole nother league of adulthood. She has a kid. She has a job and she is going back to school. I mean i truly dont think i am good enough for her.

I guess what i am trying to say even though she is so far away and i have not seen her since that day back in second grade i think i love her. She occupys my mind more then any other subject i know. and her son is up with her. Everytime she has a blog i read it. I read how her life is going and how she is loving being with her son.

I know it seems kinda stalkerish. I am to the point where i know i have a weekend in august off where i was surpose to go to otakon. But i think i am gonna go see her instead if she allows it. I need to find a hotel near by. I dont know i just want to see if this is gonna work. If not we can stay friends like we are now. That would be totally fine with me.

For some reason i am getting really emotional right now. I need to stop typing.

MATT!

2008-06-23T11:48:28Z

Matt I was watching a music video of hanson. Go figure when i started it cry.

I thought about matt. First let me say. I was not matts best friend. Frankly i have hung out with him a total of 3 times becuase of school. But i have talked to him when he came to visit cassie and whenever mike was in the car with him.

Frankly becuase of this blog i really don't want to hear anything like oh i know he viewd you as a friend or something along that junk. I know what matt thought about me and i think you guys babying me would be an insult to his memories.

Matt may not have known it but he made a huge impact on I remember talking to him about what i am going to school for and he made me feel like i was doing this for a reason.

After matt died i almost gave up. I was one class away from graduating and i tried my best to keep going that semester but it just didnt work. The next semster i passed the one class and graduated some for me i am not gonna lie but i dedicate it to matt.

Now i am doing a job in my career and things are getting hard but everytime i think i want to quit I see matts face and he is looking at me like he will whip my ass if i do. I venture on. I may not be the skinniest person in the world but when i lose all my weight i dedicate that to him becuase he cheered me on when he found out i lost so much weight.

I really cannot keep it together to write the rest of this but peace out people!

Shit!!!

2008-06-20T06:36:56Z

YOU know what that is IT. I am tired of this he said she said bull shit that is going on. IF you have a problem with me say to me. fucking say it to my face. I am a grownup. If you think i can;t handle it.well you are probably right but you need to say it anyway. I will tell you what i think about you. and i hope you have the balls to treat me the same way. DAMN IT I MEAN

Weight

2008-06-08T12:35:11Z

I am fat. I know this. Everyone else knows this.

However I am still trying to figure out what got me into this mess. Why is it that i am fat and other people who have the same exact lifestyle as me are not. I am really upset at this. Before someone says otherwise let me tell you a story.

I grew up with this kid. We were both skinny. We had pretty active life. We ate the same things. Often even together. Both of us lost our dads to other women around the same time of our lives. We still eat the same and have very little activity except play video games and the like. Why is it he is skinny and i am fat. WTF I mean i feel like i am a shit person becuase god or the divine thought lets just throw all that is wrong in a person and put it on earth to see what would happen. and here i am.

Granted if you knew me when i started college i weighted about 500lbs. Right now i weight 385 and cannot move from there. Yes I know that is over a 100 lbs loss. But what is it that i cant lose the rest. I mean i have considered just not eating for 3 months and i could probably lose it all. but probably lose my life. I look at the world around me. I see these guys around who are all skinny and preppy and get whatever they want out of most girls becuase they are the eye candy. and here is me I am working my ass off to make something of my life and i cant lose anymore weight. I am trying my hardest to suceed in this world. My self esteem would not have been an issue if i didnt have those same skinny preppy guys in highschool taking what self esteem i had lleft and just ripping it from my life. I mean what the hell is this.

Why would any god in the right mind put someone through this. Granted i know i am not alone. I have spent most of my life bending over backwards caring about other people. I deserve to be selfish and care about myself..

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2008-05-07T06:38:56Z

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ag';a'lkherh[oirn'lkf'lkf'lkfb'lkafg'khla'khlgf'ga'klag'lsf[oizxvlk'agknlr'lhfsapiozx 'lhsag'khlga]pcb'[g
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Edit: Dont ask! I don't remember and don't care! For those of you who will hear it. I was drunk!!!!!

UPDATE

2008-05-06T01:48:58Z

So first on may 9th at 7pm in keith albee i will be graduating!!! YAY

My birthday is on may 14th. i am not sure what i am doing for it. I requested it off for work. so hopefully i will find some way to celebrate it. I may just go spend the day in the park. I am not sure.

i guess this really is not an update becuase i forgot what to say!

Friendship

2008-04-02T00:41:41Z

I have so much to say in this subject but very little experience. Since it is hard to talk to people I thought I would put it up here and see what everyone thinks.

When I was young I had many friends, people I would hang out with people who would get in trouble with me and who would stand by me. After ninth grade I had to leave a lot of my friends behind. I tried to keep in contact but that was hard. I moved to Tenn my 10th grade year and then in 11th grade we settled down in Point Pleasant. I could have been fine trying to start over but the problem was in the same school I had a cousin. I know that I was compared to him because we were family. When I did not turn out what was expected I was labeled. Starting over was a complete failure. From eighth grade till college I was sort of alienated. I did not develop the high school personality, the social graces and skills needed.

    Because of this I have turned to anyone who even showed me a remote thought of compassion and called them a friend, even though I knew this was not true. Through my high school years I had no friends. I had plenty of people who knew who I was and who would make the worst kind of fun of me. I was alone during those years. My family was really my only friends; even then I was not as close to any of them as other siblings were. I obviously was a middle child and fight to keep my independence, tried to put myself out there and failed. I did not even have anyone to carry over with me in college so meeting no one through anyone.

When I came to orientation I found a friend. Well that friend was Kristin. No matter what anybody thought she and I were friends. If only for a short time. What happened between us was fear. That was always what it was and she and I both know it. I was stupid enough to ignore the signs of our failed friendship and got hurt from it.

When I moved in I expected how usually roommates become such close friends and that did not happen here. We kind of liked each other but that turned sour really quick. He found someone else who he liked and tried is best to push me out of the room. Then I moved in with Joshua. I really do not know how to explain my relationship with him. First he was so pissed I took his single room from him. Then he hated me because I was smelly and other things. He did put up with me until he moved out to the 2nd floor and I moved to Gibson. our friendship or whatever our relationship that is right now did not happen till after I became an RA and made a huge change in my life.

Anime society introduced me to haven. Haven is really a character. We talked a lot but didn’t really hang out. I tried to get more involved but it is so hard.

Jesse. I call him friend because we have been through so much together. We met in class and hit it off really well. We have had our share of disagreements and as the years went on and we have had more workloads we don’t spend much time together. The because of a poor choice of words on my part we didn’t talk for a summer but because friends again.

During the first 3 years of my college career. I have lost more friends then I have gained. I lost 1 lover and gained a friend then lost a friend and lost another. I finally realized that Kristin was using me to make herself feel better and I needed to cut ties with her. I cut my ties with a lot of people from those years.

I became an RA and moved back into the dorms, I started eating in the roflbox which was a group of people in twin towers who I kind of hung out with but they didn’t really want to hang out with me. They notice this amazing change in me and gave me another chance. Well some of them did. Not all. There are some that are so close minded that 1st impressions are so impenetrable. I started hanging out with jess, Patrick, josh and Chris. I consider them all friends It happened that I had to quit my RA job so I moved in laidly for that reason and hang out with them more.

It ended up we got an apartment together. I lived with jess Patrick and Michael. It was interesting at first. we all would hang out and do stuff together. Then just before Christmas break that all changed. Maybe people are just sick of me. Or I just over analyzing it. I rarely get invited to anything anymore. it is just not even them. People seem more distant to me.

For friends there are so many levels.

BEST FRIEND- I don't know. I am still trying to make it to that level
FRIEND- this is the level that I am having trouble staying in. This is the level when if you do something whether it is bad or not someone thinks it is funny. This is the level where someone says something that is wrong and it is funny. when your are able to get close to someone to joke/wrestle/ whatever and they feel fine and comfortable with you.
CIRCLE OF FRIEND- This is the level where you are trusted because u is a friend of someone in that group.
AQUANTIENCE- This is someone who is a potential friend. Or this could be someone who you know but are not friends.
ENEMY- we all know what this is

then there is me
YO-YO FRIEND- this is the person that you like for a while and then stop liking because you found something wrong with him or found someone better.

Believe me I feel like that a lot of times. I try to do something with you. I get turned down 99% of the time and sometimes for no reason. After a while it gets to me. it makes me feel like I am just another person that you don’t care about. If there is something wrong with me tell me. I need to know. Even if our friendship is over it could help me with something in the future. I don't have a concept of what friendship should be. I guess each of them is different. I know that if we don’t talk or don’t hang out we aren’t friends.

I guess this is my very long rant.
I leave you with this

Yes, I am slow.
   Why don't you let me catch up
Yes I don't know a lot of things.
When have you tried to take the time to help me learn?
Yes, I can't remember.
       When does that mean you shouldn’t tell me
Yes, I do stupid thing to try to help
   Does that mean you make me feel even worse about myself.
Yes, I was misinformed.
        Does that mean you have room to call me stupid or an idiot?
I have news for you.
       That is not a friend

IDK MY BFF JILL

2008-03-05T10:30:57Z

Things have gotten rather interesting and confusing and a bunch of other feelings i cannot figure out.

lets start with friends. As i am growing up i am learning what a friend is and to take things as they come. I have a couple friends that are not treating me as friends at least for the past couple of weeks. I seem to be alone most of the time and it sucks. I am never asked to do anything anymore but they could be because i am forgotten. I am really not sure at all.

my roommates, First off, i am probably not the best roommate in the world. One becuase i complain about messes and my room is not the cleanest thing in the world but i have been cleaning it once a week. I complain about the kitchen because the dishes have not been done in probably over a month. I know i know. Why don't you just do them. well one ever since i got back from my trip in december i have been using plastic plates and silverware becuase i dont want to mess any dishes up and if i did use dished i washed then after i used them. two. i have been told this by one of the roomies that it basically is a battle of who can go the longest without giving in. I personnally am tired of it and probably give in and do them, But i am not sure about my relationship with my roommates. Ever since the last week of january i have been left out of aot of stuff. None of them has invited me to do anything. I have tried to invite people to do something when i think of it but the few times i have tried i have gotten no. I am afriad when i move out i am going to lose the last friends i have in the Roflbox. But then again i could just be a horrible roommate and they want me out and things will get back to normal once i move out.

Then there is Haven. I am not sure what is going on. Haven is having some issues and i cannot help him. He would not talk to me he stopped talking to others and it took me calling the school counsling and others basically calling the police to even get him. I dont know the whole story and i dont pretend to but I miss haven.

For the past couple of weeks i have been talking to a shadow from my past. When i say shadow i mean well a really interesting girl from my past. The last time i had seen her was 2nd grade when the school year ended. my memories back then are a bit fuzzy but she was my gf and we all know at that age it was a fancy title to make fun of someone with. anyway. I have been talking to her like every night. I enjoy it. She and i have alot of the same views and alot of the same interests. It is uncanny. she is probably gonna kill me becuase this paragraph is small about her but words really cannot express what and how i feel about her at this point.

Now on to john. A while back i had posted about a reoccuring dream. it was this boy i was holding in my hands like something happened that i did not want to let him go. browsing silver star;s myspace page i came across her son. It was a picture. OMG it was so uncanny. I wanted to cry. John was a complete clone of this boy in my dream. So i fell in love right there. One of my plans for the future is to adopt him. It does not take blood to call him my son. That is how he seems to me. He is so cute. i cant wait to meet him and hold him. It is gonna be so sweet. I have already talked to silver star about wether or not we end up together he was gonna be my son. He deserves a father. I could almost go on for pages on just john.

Last thing to talk about. I am still having memory problems. I am just not able to concentrate. I applied for a medical card. I am waiting to be contacted by the Medical Review team. This is gonna take forever. I dont know

Depression

2008-02-23T01:06:19Z

I find myself slipping deeper and deeper into depression. I have been talking to a counsler for over 7 months now. She tells me the best way to deal with depression is to try to do stuff. get out of my room and do stuff with friends.

    But it seems that i am having a hard time doing that. I try to do thing with my roomates but to me it seems that they have been rather elusive towards me for about 2 months now. I usually have no problem hanging out with one of my roomates. but now just to hang out with them is a chore. I haven't been invited to anything, I have invited people to do something and have been turned down.
    To talk to them is such a hard task to do. Not because they are not around, becuase i don't want to say something stupid and be told it is stupid or even worse i am stupid. I guess one of my problems could have affected it. I ask questions i honestly don't know and apparently i have asked them before. I make a comment on something i am not too familiar about.
    I have done things i have ment to help but it turn into the opposite effect. Half of the stuff my roommates talk about i have not the slightest clue so i stay quiet. I think it might be best for me to back off and leave them all alone. I need to figure out another thing to do to affect my depression.
   I do hope that when i get my medicine that i will change. be more calm possible be able to remember have my day by the time i get home.


Yes, i am slow.
   Why don't you let me catch up
Yes i don't know a lot of things.
When have you tried to take the time to help me learn.
Yes, i can't remember.
       When does that mean you shouldnt tell me
Yes, i do stupid thing to try to help
   Does that mean you make me feel even worse about myself.
Yes, I was misinformed.
        Does that mean you have room to call me stupid or an idiot.
I have news for you.
       That is not a friend

A long Winded Update

2008-02-07T06:33:15Z

I know some of you want read this because it will be long!

The last time i posted was like November 14th. So where to start.

November was a horrible month. Another Friend has left this world. It hit me harder then i thought it did because he touched my life in ways many people only dream of touching someone.(this is not and was not ment in a perverted way) I had been going to a therapist because of another friends death earlier in the semester i felt was interfering with my sleep. Anyway I ended up withdrawing medically. The stress was too much for me to handle. I even cried because i lost control of the situation. I think that month was kinda a black month for me

I decided since i have to withdraw and resign from Student security i would take a vacation. This is something i have not done in like 4 years. It was well over due. I went to my home town to confront "ghosts" of my past. I talked to my dad face to face for the first time since he told me i was not his son. He denied it when i confronted him about it. Anyway. I also confronted my brother about his involvement (i say involvement becuase he knew it went on and did nothing) with my rape, when i was younger. We talked and i could not confront my "rapiest" because he is in jail because i think he got caught molesting his sisters daughter. I went and saw my grandmothers grave. I went to see my grandfather in the hospital only to find out he died a year ago and no one bothered to tell me this. I was not only upset and embarrassed when i talked to the nurses I could not stand talking to anyone when i got back. I had talked to my aunt about family and the history and our mental problems. That was probably the most intellagent convo i got out of the whole trip. The trips on the bus there and back was a completely different story.

All i have to say is if you look old. DO NOT RIDE GREYHOUND. I had a 10 hour layover on the way to and a 8 hour on the way back. the 10 hour layover was interesting. First of all i could not sleep. I was an hour away from my destination, no one could come and get me and i could not sleep at the bus station. anyway. This lady got off the bus and she was sitting next to me. She was waiting on her son to come get her. Once the greyhound station settled down the security was free to walk the grounds and check out stuff. They saw this lady. They confronted her and after like 2 hours of different security people talking to her they took her in a police car. This lady was probably 70 years old. They call the DAMN cops on her. See i thought there was a reason for it. So i blew it off. But there was this other lady. she had to be like 80 85 years old. She had a 36 hour layover. THAT IS A LONG FREAKIN' time. she sat down and talked to me and i suggested she might want to go to a hotel and stuff. She said she had no money. she spent all she had on gifts for her grandchildren who she was going to see. So i thought i would let her know that people at the front desk might have a better idea then staying in the bus station for that long. About the time i was getting on to the bus , there was that lady. She had the police called on her and she was taken in handcuffs. These cannot be just couencedences(sp?) They decriminate. It is horrible. The way back i met, we didnt actually meet this asian woman and she was talking to herself and yelling at herself so loud that everyone could hear. I think she had sudden outbursts every 5 mins in korean. The guards did nothing. She was like that for 4 hours until i got on my bus. I dont know if she got dealt with but that is bull crap.

Around christmas my mom came and got me so i spent christmas at home. I met my brothers new girl and funny enough he was forced to date her back in the day and now he is dating her of his free will. The whole subject is funny. Anyway my brother and his girl are Masacist(sp?). Abuse for everyone :) So that is the story of them. My brother is trying so hard to make money so he can do stuff on his own. It is amazing what that boy is going through. My cousins are staying the same. One and another. Still living back home with their parents. Someday. The whole break was interesting.

So school starts again and i am in the way. I have had amazing classes. Some interesting class (requirment and Dropping) problems and picked up a could singing classes. They are going fine. Friends are becoming rocky. I guess that is my way of saying that i am going through my normal withdraw period where i am trying to back away and distance myself. This is not what i need to do. At first i was trying to put myself out there. It is hard to do that when alot of people are not willing to help. My friends and i have different scheduals and it is becoming harder and harder.

Something that scares me is i have a couple friends that are withdrawing from me. Now normally i would be paranoid but I am wondering if they just dont like me or if it is me withdrawing so they are pulling away. I can never tell when it comes to that anyway.

I was sick. I know it was amazing. I felt like a normal person with tissues everywhere popping cough drops like candy. I think that was the most fun i have ever had.. ACK>...... not. I went to the doctor becuase i had been coughing since my sickness which was 2 weeks. the other reason was i was bleeding for the a week and a half. long story. But now i am schedauled for an appointment with general surgery. Wish me luck on that endevor.

Today i had a convo with a friend. The problem is i remeber bits and pieces of any convo with people. I said something. (i dont remember saying it but that does not mean i did not say it) it hurt my friend. When i was confronted about it. my heart jumped because alot of the time when i don't remember stuff i think something bad happened. I hurt her bad and it made me upset. I tend to do stuff like that and I finished the game i was playing and went to my room and cried. At this moment i am crying. Anyway. I did tell her i don't remember and i am sorry that i hurt her. I hope i dont end up using the flight feature on the fight or flight responce. I normally do that.

Well that is my large drawn out update. time for me to go to bed.

Reacurring dreams: What is the meaning?

2007-11-19T07:05:19Z

So today i daydreamed an old dream. LOL it sounds messed up. I have seen this while i was sleeping, while i was awake and just random images. It is kinda Scary but i wonder what it means. Maybe someone can put a light on it. this is really short. I have been having this same dream since i was 16 and it happens almost ever week. Here it is:

I have a child. Usually the child is around the age of 3 and i am holding him crying. The child always has black hair, short cut. He wears a white shirt and blue shorts. I am always wearing a business casual dress shirt that i red and black pants. My hair is light brown. I am griping him tight with on hand holding him up and the other on his head like i am hugging him and do not want to let go. Every dream is the same kid. but the surroundings differ. The two i remember is me being in my dorm room and me being in the hospital.

Do you think anyone could possible have an explanation for this?

Just Thinking about Relationships

2007-10-27T05:59:22Z

   I really don't know how to start these things out. Sometimes I just consider writing in a paper journal but I have one and I keep it for the most private stuff. I don't believe in friends only and private.

      I talk about relationships all the time and talk about how I don't have one. I talk about how I see people in them and wish I didn’t ruin mine and still had it.

     Today I was thinking I need to get into why I don’t have one. I have had plenty of chances to have a relationship. I see them right in front of my face. I just ignore them because I have such low self esteem. I know, I have come along way from where I was 3 years ago. I am a lot more confident in what I say. I admit I was a huge liar when I first started college because I felt the only way to make friends is to make them think you are cool. There were a few things I did not lie about because I felt why lie about something so important. (ADD moment). I have gotten to the point where I don’t care if someone thinks I am cool or how cool someone around me is. I like who I am. Sure I would love to lose weight which would help my self esteem more. I actually considered buying the Self-esteem for Dummies book the other day. Hows that for you? Anyway, I see possible relationships right in front of my face or have even been in a few this year but I just am unable to grasp them and hold on.

Why is that? Well I really don't have the answer. My psychiatrist asked me that this week. My response was "I don't know, maybe I am afraid of losing that person once we get to know each other" She asked me if it maybe could be I am afraid of commitment. WTF Sure I said. I tried my hardest to get away from the conversation of love, sex and relationships. After my meeting I thought about it more then I have ever done. I spent my whole shift at work going through every connection I had. I do know one thing I am proud of (even though nothing had happened between us); at the beginning of the year last year I asked a girl I did not know on a date. I had only met her briefly before I asked her and we got to know each other and became friends that were all. I don't know what it was about that girl that I asked out, but I kept a clear thought on the subject for about an hour. I came the conclusion that I wanted to take a chance, and I did. I am always afraid of rejection and being laughed at behind my back.

   Let’s talk about internet for a moment. No I am not changing the subject entirely but. I found that I was on Gay.com a lot more then I needed to be. Looking for something that I wanted thinking that if a person got to know you first that once they saw your picture that it would be nil in their decision about you. I found one person on gay.com chat that would even fit the criteria but the only problem is he is in a relationship. I gave up that thing. Most gay guys are Horney, superficial, plain old assholes. (Sorry for that little rant) I went on yahoo chat to see if I can find someone near by to talk to but the thing about chat these days is you can’t find a real person anymore. I mean BOTS who the fuck invented them because I would like to stab that person in the eye with my pitchfork after causing the to go deaf (Once you go black, your go deaf) (I mean your hair looks nice). Why did I find myself on chat and internet thinking it would change things? I think it is because some of the relationships that are around me happened there.

     One option I ruled out along time again. Mail-order, I would love to find a nice Asian girl but on my own terms. Blind dates are few and far. I don’t know enough people that care enough about me to set me up on one, or everyone my friends know I know so it is not really a blind date is it. I refused to go to a bar and look for someone that truly is a good foundation to start a relationship on. [Mommy where did you and dad first meet.] OH it was in a bar at college.] That really is not a message I wish to send my kids someday.(on the subject of kids, I am still adopting my first.)

      At this point I am completely out of ideas, anyone I go after is either taken or superficial or is not interesting in what I am. Well I guess it is time for the next step. What that is I am not sure but someday I will find out because remember (fortune cookie says "Be patient the great wall was not built in one day")

The emotion of PISSED

2007-10-19T05:08:45Z

I am really angry so i cam going to deal with it like i always do. I am going to type what is wrong and then cry myself to sleep.

I am suppose to go to the ren fair this weekend. I had planned on going so i had asked people to take my shifts. I had gotten both shifts taken, or so i thought. Thursday night i went to confirm everything. I found out that my shift change has not taken in effect. I called the person doing it and he said, i did not get a shift change in my box so i took someone else shift. First thing, why did you not email me. When you emailed me to take my shift i had responded back and said the form would be in your mail box and that it was the next morning. You could also have emailed me telling me that you had taken someone else’s shift and i could have found someone else.
I am really surprised at this person. I am leaving tomorrow and basically was told at the last min.. oh you have to work. I am going to call off because i need this rest. but i am really angry and as usual i don’t know how to deal with the emotion