Into the Twilight

I have gotten even fatter. I don't care what anyone says. I know it my body knows it my self when I walk down the street and waddle knows it. When I walk into the bathroom from my room and become winded. I think it is time. I could blame it one the medication I am taken, it has been know to cause weight gain. I could blame it on the food. But I blame it on be becoming lazy. I think that is the first step to go about this. So these are my vows.

I vow to have a shaved head till I lose 150 pounds

---The shave head will be a constant reminder of the vows. If I should violate them I will remember to reread them

I vow to never eat after 7pm or 2am when I work.

---food after these times would be harmful. I will have ample time to digest before I go to bed.

I vow to do one hour of exercise a day

---DDR will be the prime source of this. I have no one to walk with. I will be able to get plenty of exercise on Sunday.

I vow to drink moderately

---This really has never been a problem for me. But it is still one of my vows

I vow to drink more water then any other beverage in a day

---I can't give up something because every time I do I use something else in place. The first time I gave up soda I drank allot of fruit juice and the second time I have gone through 5 boxes of caprice sun in 2 days. Giving up something is not the answer. I vow to drink 8 glasses of water a day more if I drink soda or any other drink

I vow to take my medication everyday twice a day. 8am and 8pm

---I keep forgetting to take my meds. I vow to take my meds 12 hours a part. Save if I fall asleep before this time or sleep through this time.

I vow to never go out unless I have the money to pay for myself

---I know my friends are helping me have fun but I need to face facts. If I don’t have the money I really should not be going out.

I vow when I lose my weight to go into the Military

---The more I hear about it the more I want it. I have always had this as a goal and will achieve this

I vow to never let someone else tell me who I am.

---I am not gay, I am not str8 I am not bisexual. I AM ME; don’t label me because you need to in order to understand who I am. I know who I am and will be no one different

I vow to never let others influence my decisions

---To long have I allowed others to say something and end up letting them influence me because I am afraid I might hurt them. I am sorry but I don't want to listen anymore

I vow to keep a clean house.

---Cleaning my house is essential to cleaning me

I vow to not put things off that concerns my medical needs.

---always tomorrow, maybe in an hour, these are things I say. I need to start doing things

I vow to brush my teeth everyday

---I know this is weird. I have always just forgotten to brush my teeth. I remember once a month and try to start a routine to brush everyday then forget again. My teeth are in good shape I should keep them that way

I vow to take a shower every other day

---Maybe even everyday since I will be exercising but I vow to do it at least every other day

I vow to ask for help when needed.

---I am self sufficient I need not be hard headed

I vow to walk to places if it is walk able

---no more being lazy. I can walk to work, I can walk to Marshall.

I vow to look at everyone with a twisted point of view.

---everyone has their viewpoints, twisted is just easier to me

I vow to learn a second language completely.

---I know basics of multiple languages because others influenced my decisions not to stick with them. Veronica said I should take protégées so I did. Japanese is the language of anime so I took that. I know a little Spanish from 4th grade. I need to pick a language and stick with it.

I vow to get my Bachelors Degree.

---It may not be in Hospitality but I will have one in something.

I vow to love myself unconditionally

---This is going to take time but I will do it.

I vow to love others unconditionally.

---I always start out a relationship loving the person till they give me a reason not to. But I vow to continue loving them because it is not my fault they did this to me.

For the last couple weeks my dreams have been causing me to wake up feeling lonely and angry. Depressing huh? IT would not b as bad if I could remember any of them. The way I deal with dreams is to write them in a dream journal I have and analyze them. Last night I had a dream I can remember and something is telling me to write a blog about it. Maybe it is my way of asking for help I don’t know. The way I am going to do this is write it and analyze it so hopefully you guys can give me your own opinions.

 The dream is pretty short but it is about a relationship between me and a friend. This friend I know is not gay, but we had sort of a semi relationship. WE spent a lot of time together and it was an amazing feeling. We hugged and kissed like a normal couple. Nothing sexual happened between us. Everything was fine and dandy. Then I was walking to his house when a friend of ours stopped me and told me they had finally got his glasses and now it is over. I didn’t quite know what that meant but then I rushed to his house to see him. He was furious as though I had been lying to him the whole time that we were in a relationship. I am not sure what I would have been lying about whether it was because I was not a girl or something else. He did not talk to me for the better part of a month and then we started talking to me about being friend and even closer being as brothers.

 First of all I am not going to say who it is. This would probably create some tension between us and as we all know it is never the person who u dream about but who the represent.

   Represent. I think he represented what I wanted to be in life. I think it is my ultimate goal that I am trying to achieve. Becoming Hot and skinny

 Now the glasses part is something I have thought about for the better part of waking up till I got to work. The person I dreamt about did not even wear glasses. So I wondered if the glasses represented my thoughts on myself. I still have self esteem issues. This is something I have been dealing with. So the friend I ran into was my effort to say I am not good enough for this person.

 Now my idea in the dream bout him being angry that I am not a girl could be he was angry I was not a girl or him angry because I am not pretty enough. I think this could represent that I am Homosexual. I don’t think this is the case because I believe I am bisexual and this is because I want relationships with women.

 This last part kind of stumps me I thought about it for a while. Being friends or even closer brothers. This could be that I have always said that you need to build a solid friendship before you can get into a relationship. Sometimes this does not work, when you do build a friendship you kind of get the whole I cant see you as anything else speel. When I tried asking someone out before there was any friendship there it just never worked out.

At first I was not sure how to go about this assignment. I was not sure which theory I was going to use. I read through them all and one just popped out on me. Erickson's thoughts on how in order to have a healthy personality one must go through the psychosocial stages. How from birth to age one you must experience mistrust in order to identify with who you can trust or with middle adulthood one needs to feel a sense of leaving something for the next generation to pick up on whether that is having kids or mentoring younger colleagues.
   How this applies to me is rather simple and difficult at the same time. The book states that the key idea is that social norms thrust us onto a new crisis before we are ready for it. The approximate age range seems about right for me until we get into the Identity verses Role confusion. When I was younger my father left, which I know happens a lot in families. I was middle child so I got lost in the fold. I did not learn skills from my father like most Teenage boys. I didn’t know how to shave myself until I was 17. I was confused on whether I was part of the family or was a maid to my brother. I am not telling you this because I want you to feel sorry; this is just to make my point valid. I did not discover my identity until actually this year.
  According to his theory I was trusted into adulthood without figuring out who I was or what social norms I had to use. I was not much of a social person. I never attended dances, school functions and I was never asked out on dates. But even after I was set to grow up I struggled with figuring out who I was when I left for college. I was lost in my Role confusion. Who am I? What am I doing here? Those questions were on my mind a lot over the past 10 years.
   Lets move on to the next stage, Intimacy verses Isolation. Intimacy is basically the ability to develop a relationship without becoming lost yourself. As Erickson’s theory stated Social norms push us from stage to stage whether we are ready or not. While I was dealing with the last stage I was still dealing with this one. Isolation was common for me. The ability to open myself up to people was rather difficult. It kind of goes hand and hand with the first stage, Trust verses Mistrust. If I didn’t know who I was how was I to expect anyone else to know? How was I expected to start a relationship with someone without having one with myself?
    This stage while I read about it really got me thinking. What was I supposed to do? When I started trying to go to different club meetings and poking around different classes trying to figure out what my main interest are I started to realize not who I was but who I was to become. When I figured this out I was able to get myself out of the isolation. I am now able to develop relationships with people.
   The problem I see with the whole thing is yes I believe Erickson was on to something. I believe that these stages are something and they do develop people’s personality. Unless you have that supporting factor from everyone you are going to be behind in not only the stages but most aspects of your life. Pushing people before they are ready is what causes most of the troubled people today. I hope I did not offend anyone with my babbling. I felt it was necessary for me as well as for this assignment

I have so much to say in this subject but very little experience. Since it is hard to talk to people I thought I would put it up here and see what everyone thinks.

  When I was young I had many friends, people I would hang out with people who would get in trouble with me and who would stand by me. After ninth grade I had to leave a lot of my friends behind. I tried to keep in contact but that was hard. I moved to Tenn my 10th grade year and then in 11th grade we settled down in Point Pleasant. I could have been fine trying to start over but the problem was in the same school I had a cousin. I know that I was compared to him because we were family. When I did not turn out what was expected I was labeled. Starting over was a complete failure. From eighth grade till college I was sort of alienated. I did not develop the high school personality, the social graces and skills needed.
 
    Because of this I have turned to anyone who even showed me a remote thought of compassion and called them a friend, even though I knew this was not true. Through my high school years I had no friends. I had plenty of people who knew who I was and who would make the worst kind of fun of me. I was alone during those years. My family was really my only friends; even then I was not as close to any of them as other siblings were. I obviously was a middle child and fight to keep my independence, tried to put myself out there and failed. I did not even have anyone to carry over with me in college so meeting no one through anyone.

  When I came to orientation I found a friend. Well that friend was Kristin. No matter what anybody thought she and I were friends. If only for a short time. What happened between us was fear. That was always what it was and she and I both know it. I was stupid enough to ignore the signs of our failed friendship and got hurt from it.

When I moved in I expected how usually roommates become such close friends and that did not happen here. We kind of liked each other but that turned sour really quick. He found someone else who he liked and tried is best to push me out of the room. Then I moved in with Joshua. I really do not know how to explain my relationship with him. First he was so pissed I took his single room from him. Then he hated me because I was smelly and other things. He did put up with me until he moved out to the 2nd floor and I moved to Gibson. our friendship or whatever our relationship that is right now did not happen till after I became an RA and made a huge change in my life.

Anime society introduced me to haven. Haven is really a character. We talked a lot but didn’t really hang out. I tried to get more involved but it is so hard.

Jesse. I call him friend because we have been through so much together. We met in class and hit it off really well. We have had our share of disagreements and as the years went on and we have had more workloads we don’t spend much time together. The because of a poor choice of words on my part we didn’t talk for a summer but because friends again.

During the first 3 years of my college career. I have lost more friends then I have gained. I lost 1 lover and gained a friend then lost a friend and lost another. I finally realized that Kristin was using me to make herself feel better and I needed to cut ties with her. I cut my ties with a lot of people from those years.

I became an RA and moved back into the dorms, I started eating in the roflbox which was a group of people in twin towers who I kind of hung out with but they didn’t really want to hang out with me. They notice this amazing change in me and gave me another chance. Well some of them did. Not all. There are some that are so close minded that 1st impressions are so impenetrable.  I started hanging out with jess, Patrick, josh and Chris. I consider them all friends It happened that I had to quit my RA job so I moved in laidly for that reason and hang out with them more.

It ended up we got an apartment together. I lived with jess Patrick and Michael. It was interesting at first. we all would hang out and do stuff together. Then just before Christmas break that all changed. Maybe people are just sick of me. Or I just over analyzing it. I rarely get invited to anything anymore.  it is just not even them. People seem more distant to me.

For friends there are so many levels.

BEST FRIEND- I don't know. I am still trying to make it to that level
FRIEND- this is the level that I am having trouble staying in. This is the level when if you do something whether it is bad or not someone thinks it is funny. This is the level where someone says something that is wrong and it is funny. when your are able to get close to someone to joke/wrestle/ whatever and they feel fine and comfortable with you.
CIRCLE OF FRIEND- This is the level where you are trusted because u is a friend of someone in that group.
AQUANTIENCE- This is someone who is a potential friend. Or this could be someone who you know but are not friends.
ENEMY- we all know what this is

then there is me
YO-YO FRIEND- this is the person that you like for a while and then stop liking because you found something wrong with him or found someone better.

Believe me I feel like that a lot of times. I try to do something with you. I get turned down 99% of the time and sometimes for no reason. After a while it gets to me. it makes me feel like I am just another person that you don’t care about. If there is something wrong with me tell me. I need to know. Even if our friendship is over it could help me with something in the future. I don't have a concept of what friendship should be. I guess each of them is different. I know that if we don’t talk or don’t hang out we aren’t friends.

I guess this is my very long rant.
I leave you with this

Yes, I am slow.
     Why don't you let me catch up
Yes I don't know a lot of things.
      When have you tried to take the time to help me learn?
Yes, I can't remember.
       When does that mean you shouldn’t tell me
Yes, I do stupid thing to try to help
       Does that mean you make me feel even worse about myself.
Yes, I was misinformed.
        Does that mean you have room to call me stupid or an idiot?
I have news for you.
       That is not a friend